I Saw It on Instagram
A Psychologist’s Take on 5 Viral Parenting Claims
“Wait, what does it mean again when my child dumps his milk on the table for the 15th time?!”
I love my work as a clinical psychologist. It is fulfilling, stimulating, and—more often than not—a lot of fun. But compared to friends in finance, tech, or fashion, one thing my profession lacks is perks. No one is rushing to give their psychologist swag bags or invite them to fancy dinners—and if they were, we’re ethically obligated to decline.
That said, being a psychologist does come with one major unofficial perk (at least for the extroverts among us): people ask for your opinion. A lot.
At birthday parties, neighborhood barbecues, and school events, I inevitably end up in at least one conversation that starts with some version of:
“Sooo I saw this parenting thing on Instagram that I’d love to get your take on...”
Usually what follows is a parenting rule, script, or philosophy that has exploded across social media. Sometimes it’s reasonable advice. Sometimes it’s vaguely rooted in evidence based principles, but has become wildly oversimplified. Often, it’s a little bit of both. I love having these conversations though because I know as a professional—and also as a fellow parent—this stuff can be complicated. Content creators give parenting advice with such conviction. It can be hard to know what is fact, fiction, or something in between.
So today I’d like to put my unofficial work perk to use and walk through the research behind five of the most common parenting messages making the rounds online.
A note before we begin: if there is a parenting claim, trend, or piece of advice you’ve been curious about, leave it in the comments! My favorite Playbooks are the ones that answer questions you all are wrestling with.
Without further ado, here is:
A cognitive behavioral therapist’s perspective on five viral pieces of parenting advice
1. All behavior is communication
What does this typically sound like?
“Your child’s meltdown is a message.”
“Look beneath the behavior.”
“Behind every behavior is an unmet need”
What It Gets Right
This idea contains an important truth. Children’s behavior is often influenced by emotions, stress, tiredness, their environment, lagging skills, and relationship dynamics, among other factors. Trying to understand what’s driving a behavior (or “the antecedent” to use CBT terminology) is often a useful strategy to change the behavior (and is certainly more helpful than simply labeling the kid as defiant, bad, or—as I hear at least weekly—someone destined to become a psychopath.)
What It Misses
The slogan becomes less accurate when it implies that behavior is primarily emotional communication. Decades of behavioral research show that behavior is also shaped by consequences. Children yell to get things. They avoid tasks they dislike. They repeat behaviors that work. Sometimes a tantrum reflects emotional overwhelm. Sometimes it reflects the fact that the kid has learned that if they nag you enough, you will eventually give in. Many times, it’s a bit of both.
Try This
When facing a challenging kid behavior, be curious as to what might be causing it. You never know when a simple environmental shift like having an earlier snack, laying out the clothes the night before, or changing where homework happens ends up being the game changer. That being said—don’t stop at curiosity. Ask yourself two questions:
What might be driving this behavior?
What is this behavior accomplishing for my child and do I want them to learn that this is the best way to get what they want?
An effective parental response considers both factors.
2. Children need co-regulation before they can self-regulate
What does this typically sound like?
“Connection before correction.”
“Your child borrows your nervous system.”
“Stay calm so your child can stay calm.”
What It Gets Right
There is strong evidence that children develop emotion regulation through relationships. Parents model coping skills, provide emotional support, and help children navigate difficult feelings. Calm adults are also generally more effective than dysregulated adults (just ask my kids which version of mom they prefer).
What It Misses
Social media sometimes turns this idea into an unrealistic level of parental responsibility. It is not clear from the research that co-regulation must precede every instance of self-regulation, or that a child’s ability to regulate is primarily determined by how calm a parent is in a given moment.
Children have their own temperaments, sensitivities, developmental challenges, and bad days. A calm parent does not automatically produce a calm child. Additionally, kids develop emotion regulation skills in many ways—not just through relationships and certainly not just through relationships with their parents.
Try This
Work on regulating yourself because it helps you parent effectively—not because your child’s emotions are entirely dependent on yours. Your job is to provide a steady anchor, not perfect emotional weather control. Trust in the fact that children are active learners who gradually develop independent coping skills from a variety of experiences, rather than being solely dependent on learning regulation from their parents.
3. Punishment doesn’t work
What does this typically sound like?
“Punishment only teaches fear.”
“Consequences don’t teach.”
“Punishment damages the parent-child relationship.”
✓ All Behavior Is Communication
✓ Children Need Co-Regulation Before They Can Self-Regulate
🔒 Punishment Doesn’t Work
🔒 Never Say “Good Job”
🔒 Children Need Unconditional Validation
🔒 The #1 parenting advice trap to watch out for
