Effectively Offering Space
Teaching has its limits in emotionally charged moments. Sometimes kids really just need some space.
The Opponent: Good Intentions
A child is crying in front of you—really crying. Snotty face, heaving chest, the works. Perhaps it’s the first time your kid is experiencing a serious conflict with a friend or that your student is really missing their caregiver after drop off. As adults who care about kids, we usually have our own emotional reaction to this sad scene—our heart rate increases, our breath may come faster, and we want to HELP.
For many of us, our mind flashes back to that Instagram reel we watched recently explaining how these emotionally charged moments are crucial opportunities to teach kids to trust their emotions and build skills. But what exactly were we supposed to say?? As we begin to talk… and talk… the emotional child seems to be getting more upset. It’s backfiring! This isn’t what #ChicParentingInfluencer said would happen!
The TLDR: It is so hard to see a child in distress and not try to fix their distress (usually with lots of words) immediately.
The X’s and O’s: Good Intentions Can Backfire
Sound familiar? If so, you are not alone. The prevailing caregiver advice zeitgeist is that moments of upset are key chances to teach kids emotion regulation skills and that the job of a caring adult is to help an upset child processallthefeels in those moments. This is a seductive narrative because it helps reduce adult anxiety by giving us something to do in hard moments (Belly breathe with me! Now let’s count flower petals! Calm down! Emotions are healthy and normal and so are you!) rather than sitting with our own distress over a distressed kid. However, in practice, a lot of talk in highly emotional moments often backfires.
This is because it’s very hard to learn when your amygdala is screaming at you. Think of the last time you were very upset. How logically were you thinking? How capable were you of shifting to, “Ah yes, this is an excellent moment to try that brilliant new skill I learned in The Playbook!”? The same thing goes for our kids, and, despite the dire warnings on Instagram, kids are resilient. In fact, many actually learn how to regulate themselves most effectively when they just have the time and space to work through their big emotions, rather than lots of adult chatter.
The TLDR: Despite a lot of advice to the contrary, less is often more when a kid is upset.
The Play: Effectively Offering Space
So how to fill the talking void? First, we try to remember the wise words of a clinician we know who tells grown ups to imagine they have to pay a dollar for every word they say to a child who is in a dysregulated state. In other words, to remember and trust that less is often more when supporting an upset kid. After that though, there are as many ways to kindly and supportively offer space as there are adults and kids! Some of our favorite phrases include:
“This is a tough moment. I’m here when you’re ready.”
“I’m here to help. I’m going to stay close by and when you’re ready to talk, just let me know.”
“Things feel really hard right now, huh? I’m going to give you some space, but I will check on you in a little bit.”
If you have historically leaned more towards stepping in, it can be helpful to talk proactively with the kids in your life about this play. Let them know that you know people work through hard moments in different ways and that you want to give them room to figure out what they prefer. Talk in a calm moment about how and where they can take space. After running the play (how is that for a euphemism for a blow up?!), check in during a calm moment to see how it went and make any tweaks. Because even the best intentions can benefit from a little restraint.
The TLDR: Try minimizing adult talking and kindly and compassionately giving kids space when they are upset.